Take your pick from the following the bride won’t show up, the groom won’t show up, there is a fight, one of them is arrested for bigamy or there is a bomb / hurricane / car pile up that wipes out the entire cast. But this is a soap wedding and you know something will go wrong. Who isn’t a sucker for a wedding? The bride looks radiant, the groom is cute and nervous, the flowers are gorgeous and everyone is dressed up in their Sunday best. This means eight months or so of exquisite mental torture leading to the inevitable DNA test. Generally, there is some uncertainty as to the identity of the father for soap mothers to be. If this happened in real life, it would be chaos. Also, having sex for the first time undoubtedly leads to pregnancy.

If an unmarried soap teen has sex, there must be CONSEQUENCES. Will the main beneficiary be delighted or be smiling through gritted teeth? Mixed emotions are evident when the ‘deceased’ bursts in on the reading of the will. The near tragic circumstances may involve being washed out to sea when a dolphin unexpectedly comes to the rescue or being the lone survivor of a plane crash which lands on a remote island, surviving on nuts and berries. Nevertheless, family and friends gather for a poignant memorial. Someone is presumed dead but there is no body. The clip shows some actresses from Melrose Place who moved on to other things or should we say, better things! (Marcia Cross – Desperate Housewives, Kristin Davis – Sex and the City, and Courtney Thorne-Smith – Ally McBeal). So, there are ludicrous explanations given as to why they have not rushed back to their loved ones, usually because they are on safari or trekking in the arctic and cannot be contacted. Special occasions such as weddings or deathbed vigils demand the presence of these formerly important people. Strangely, these close friends and loved ones are rarely mentioned again. This can mean death or simply moving away. When an actor / actress wants to leave the show, the character has to be given an exit. I love the quote, “We’ve done nothing wrong, we just had the same father, that’s all.” 4. It’s heartbreaking to watch but perverse at the same time.

The parents in the know devise elaborate ways of separating them but they have to reveal the truth in the end. They have been raised independently of each other, unaware of each other’s existence, and don’t realize they’re related. The thought of brother on sister action is icky but it’s not their fault. This gives the scriptwriters ample opportunity to wallow in emotional turmoil. One in three teenagers learn that they are adopted or the result of an illicit relationship. Shucks, it’s a good job I didn’t get that family tree laminated.

There are always family members coming out of the woodwork the sibling / offspring / parent that the character didn’t know existed. Comas are useful in themselves to give a star some time off to go lie on a beach whilst the network decides whether to renew their contract. It also gives the actor / actress the opportunity to look baffled and emotionally frail. This loss of memory is a cunning plot device enabling a character to assess their relationships from a fresh viewpoint. They may come out of a coma, only to find they have amnesia. Give them a knockout blow with a feather and the consequences are dire. We know this because even the slightest bump to the head causes them to go into a coma or suffer from amnesia. Head CaseĬharacters in soaps have extremely soft skulls. Soaps share a number of clichés that may make us groan but we’d miss them if they weren’t there. We kid ourselves in to thinking we’re not addicted but there’s always some fiendish cliffhanger to keep us hooked. Just like actual operas but without the fat lady singing. They have ridiculous plots and unbelievable characters.

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